Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My life coach traded me.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.