Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD