Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!

[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?

Are you having a crisis?

Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.

Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.

Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm

Tony the Tiger: great

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

[documentary on bees]

“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything

The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.