Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
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If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right