Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

Walking around the house in my undies again…

Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”

My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

{Police Job Interview}

Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.

Recruit: Why kill a kitten?

Captain: You’re hired.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick