Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Finally! 😈
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
#parenting
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond
‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’
and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible