Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Period tracker: 196 days late

Me: *wears white pants

Period: I’m ready for my comeback

The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.

Ok but how old is your child in minutes?

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.

Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

How to cook crack and clean a crab.

Step 1 – use commas

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.

I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?