Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
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[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
bros in the example zone 😭
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.