Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Put the is in disheveled
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles