Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
You Might Also Like
Thursday Thought.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
my nickname in college
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
