Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”

My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

August 8

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.