Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
You Might Also Like
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
🤣😂
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”