Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
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*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”