Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?

The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin

Her: Your hair looks nice today

Me: Thanks. I slept differently.

Happy Taco Tuesday

My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!

– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am