Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
You Might Also Like
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
what?
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.