Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.