Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
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Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.