make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
You Might Also Like
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]