Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

Her: I really can’t stay

Him: Baby, it’s cold outside

Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?

Men: 58

Women: 1

If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.

– dead people

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

“I am a gift to this earth.”

[Earth regifts me]

“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.

I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.

-Herpes

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

me: [kicking leaves in the park]

wife: how are you getting your leg so high

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?