Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant