Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date: