Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I burn TV dinners every night so my husband thinks it’s “homemade”.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”