Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
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I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”