[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
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Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day