Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said ÂŁ20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery đź‘Ť
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My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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