Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

👏WHY👏DO👏WE👏CALL👏TINY👏BAGS👏”BAGGIES”👏BUT👏TINY👏BOXES👏AREN’T👏CALLED👏”BOXIES”👏THAT’S👏SOME👏BULLSHIT👏CALL👏THEM👏”BOXIES”👏IMMEDIATELY👏NO👏JUSTICE👏NO👏PEACE👏AND👏WHATNOT!👏

Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?

Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

When you said “let’s circle back to that in the new year” and now it’s the new year.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded