@GirlCode

Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode

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@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@Ygrene

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

@Steelers1972

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

@dshack8

Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.

@RexHuppke

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota

@theshantilly

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

@andylassner

If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.

@freefanaddict

Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.