*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
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I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag