*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it’s not based on a true story.
Y’all know you can literally buy a turkey any time of the year right? Because I’m starting to think some of you don’t.
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.