Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.

Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.

The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Me, losing my shit:

Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

shakespeare: murder most foul…

goose: what the duck did you just say?!

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun