Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?

Me: Let me ask my mom

Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!

Me: She said no

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?

Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

Both hands Mommy!

-my 4yo the backseat driver.

When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.

I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.