Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

text from my dad when lebron broke the record

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON

DOG 911: So

DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

WIFE: what the hell happened here?

ME: i broke an egg

[earlier]

ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”

it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome

Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.