Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
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If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby