Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Stop sending me this shit.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.