Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
2 years later
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
August 8
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
You don’t scare me, you’re not my kid noticing her sibling got a bigger slice of cake.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor