Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%

“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.

YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.

OMFG!

I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.

Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,

I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Every haunted house movie:

Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?

It’s a hole series.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

that’s just… not what monogamy means??