“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
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My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably