You Might Also Like
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Yes
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Always 🥴
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
My love language is hissing.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.