“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
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Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable