Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
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This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
i hate you platonically
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
doctor: do you drink alcohol?
me: yeah a couple times a week
doctor (pulling out a bottle of whiskey and two cups): ok amazing it’s been a really tough week actually