make up your mind
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔