make up your mind
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
“plenty of fish in the sea” im literally captain ahab if i don’t get this one specific one after years of hunting i will blow my brains out
this summer i’m going cicada mode (emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until i find a mate)
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.