make up your mind
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Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.