Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—

ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

lol

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

?

On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.

Although. I kinda want to now.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it

[text from friend)

Her: You doing okay?

Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?

Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”

Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”

Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]