Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?

*throws caution to the wind*

*blows right back into face*

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

Son: Daddy are we poor?

Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?

Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short