Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.

Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable

[texting]

Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?

Her: too long, didn’t read

Me: oh ffs you too?

Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment