Make your daily standup meeting shorter
You Might Also Like
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.