Make your daily standup meeting shorter
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I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
