@agenteo

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

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@Storminika

Can’t afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market.
Me: ‘Shhh, they’re asleep’
‘Mom, they’re breaded’
Me: ‘That’s their blankie’

@Dildotron

I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*

@susiezennario

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

@BrewThePigeon

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

@hoedeehoe

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

@brennadine

[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

@SuperApple80

Keep me in your prayers. My daughter just found her old recorder.

@daddydoubts

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger