Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You’re never alone. Theres mold
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.