Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Happens to everyone.

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

[waking up on sunday morning]

me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night

*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*

death: quit it

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous

Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”

My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now