Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.

I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

[therapy]

DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon

ME: No, a fear of clones

DOC: Oh…that seems irrational

OTHER ME: That’s what I said

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Divorce… The most common home improvement project.