Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.

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lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake


Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low


EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.


After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn’t go and see it again.

And now I’m thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.


[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]

“What are you supposed to be?”

ME: I’m not wearing a costume


*on a date pointing to a pothole*

I made that with my fist. I hate roads


“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*


missed connection: I sneezed near the cough medicine at 711, you dropped your wine and ran away screaming into the night