Dear girls that go tanning, it’s called ‘sunkissed’, it’s not called ‘dorito raped’.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
M: So we can eat.
M: To stay alive.
M: I have no idea.
Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-
Me: YES HI IM HIS CHAMBERMAID
*wakes from a dead sleep*
SHOULDN’T RED BULL GIVE YOU HORNS?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I just died ????????????????????
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.