Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
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what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.