Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
CRYING
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.