Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
as is their right
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.