Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle