Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Mouse
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.