make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
You Might Also Like
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
A mustache is just mouth bangs.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
This headline is a thing of beauty
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.