make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
You Might Also Like
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
What is going on? 😅
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
who did the taste test?
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Following my previous tweet, I would like to clarify that I am not running for mayor. I meant to say that I was running from the mayor but mistyped because I was running at the time.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent