Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
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Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers