Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra