Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED(say it fast)
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch