Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
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My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.