make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
Mistakes were made
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Jupiter
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.