make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
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why am I working on Labor Day
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Bear
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach