Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

some things should go without saying

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

it takes so much energy

Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast

It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

Darth: You should not have come back, old man.

Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.

Boss: why are your eyes red?

Me: I got shampoo in them

Boss: we’ve talked about this

Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes

Boss: mhm

Me: but you can’t deny this volume

Boss: oh I am painfully jealous

I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force