Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.

I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.

Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.

From the dryer.

It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?

Take away its tiny brooms 🧹

Me trying to “trust the process”

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener

stop