Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]

“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.

Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

*pets your eyebrows*

there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?

Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan

[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.

Kids are weird.
Got seated at a football game and my 8yo busted out two cucumbers and just started biting into them.

My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

ghost me: baaaaaa

guy: are you saying baa instead of boo

ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.

Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

[marital relations]

My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND