Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I ain’t wearing no wire
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.