Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Writing, She Murdered.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
GM✌🏻
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Baller is short for ballerina
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die