Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

wife: I’m having a baby.

me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.

You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.

deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)

I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me

[Police Line up]

Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off

Me:

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers