Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
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Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
cop: where u headed
me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat
cop: [handing me his gun] good luck
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy