Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.