Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
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Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck