Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?

I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK

A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.

I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.

The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?

I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

Why soy sad?

8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”