“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
imagine how many people are in a mr. beast torture sphere right now and missing all this
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.