Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

watching gymnastics

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?

Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:

I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.

if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that

find these 10 emoji for no good reason

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother