Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*

Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.

me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?

her: sure!

[later]

her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be

me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean

Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go

The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate

She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.