#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.