Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday

COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off

ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth

Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.

Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

‘How many lights do you wanton?”

“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”

~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.

Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!

God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.

Angel: Never mind, go ahead.

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch

That’s enough internet for the day

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.