#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.