#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
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I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
7am – So tired I could WEEP
9am – I’ve got so much to do but no energy
12pm – Can’t stop yawning
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
10pm WIDE AWAKE
12am – Hey! I’m not tired at all now!
1am – Think I might rearrange all the kitchen cupboards
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Wait a second…
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”