Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*

*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.